Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Carrying Faith

November 14, 2010
 I found out today,  on my 18th anniversary that I was pregnant. What?? A Baby?? We didnt want anymore babies!! Our babies were 21, 17 and 12. This is not our plan, so I cried!! I can vividly remember saying about 20 times that I did not want to be pregnant. (The very words that I cannot get out of my mind. The very words that I didnt mean. The very words that if I could take back I would).  My life was perfect! I am opening my dream boutique TOMORROW! I do NOT want to a baby! I am having a  grandbaby in two days!! Really?
     My first Dr's appointment was December 7th.  Had an ultrasound that day. yep, a sweet baby it is! Ok, this isnt so bad. After my visit, I started spotting, I had never had this happen with my other children so I immediatly thought something was wrong. I went back to the Dr.  the following week where I had my second ultrasound, baby is perfect. Beautiful pictures! So, ok this will be fine. Continued to bleed for the next month, thats ok, lots of women bleed during pregnancy.
  My  next appointment would be January 12th. I go in, the nurse can't get a heartbeat with the doppler. She reassures me that it's ok, and that she's new. Then my precious Dr. comes in and she cant get a heartbeat. Now I'm freaking out, so I text my husband Todd, while i'm waiting on my  3rd ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed that our baby is perfect, kicking so hard that we could not get a picture. I was so hoping to get a early gender test. I had three girls and EVERYONE was so praying for a boy..... Except me, I really wanted another girl! I knew girls! I loved girls! Of course we could not tell, because she would not be still! At this point I am in love already! This will work!
      My next appointment would be at 18 weeks. I knew I would find out the sex! Iam not leaving this ultrasound room until I do. I have replayed that day in my mind for the last two weeks. My precious sister was with me, Thank God! We go in to get the ultrasound first.
      It's a Girl! I was so excited! I knew my daughters wanted another sister. I never even noticed that the tech was nervous! The thought of something being wrong with my baby never crossed my mind! I was to busy wanting to tell the world that I was having a girl! I started texting her father, sisters, family and friends. I even made a post on facebook.  I immediatly went from "I'm not going to spoil this baby" to "I can't wait to get that Juicy stroller for her"! That's actually what I told my sister in the waiting room between the ultrasound and office visit.
     Then Dr. Sherman comes in the room. I am glowing from excitement. I knew that she was not at all herself. I said cheerfully, "Hello, How are you?" she said "not good", I still had no idea it was about me. So, I replied, " Are you sick?" then the horrible news. "I don't like what I see on the images" me, "what"
dr,"She has little to no brain tissue". The rest is a blur! My sister asked a few questions, I don't even remember what they were. She wrote down a word, holoprosencephaly.  I went home, trying to remember or comprehend what she said. I tried to tell Todd and my girls. I stayed on the internet researching everything I could about this disorder. I knew immediatly that I was being punished because I had told so many people that I did not want to be pregnant. I cried for the next two weeks. Todd would not accept it. He said that my faith was not strong enough and actually got angry,  as did my kids. The entire family was devastated. They could not comprehend what I was telling them that  Dr. Sherman saw that terrible day. I remember praying for a precious Down Baby. I just wanted to keep her, no matter what!
      I could not see the specialist in Houston for two weeks.  The wait was an emotional rollercoaster. I even asked myself if I had heard Dr. Sherman right? Was it as severe as I thought she said it was? Could I pray her healthy? What did I do that caused this to happen to her? All these questions, no answers.
    Well, that appointment was Monday, February 21st. Todd by my side, the news was confirmed. Holoprosencephaly in the most severe form. He continued on to tell us that she has a heart defect and that he thought she would have facial deformities. It's like I heard all this for the first time all over again. He then continued to tell us our options. I didnt even pay him any attention because I had already made up my mind. I was going to carry her as long as I was allowed.   I wanted to know when??  How long do I have?? How will I know if she's gone?? He answered none of these. The ride home was quite. Todd held my hand. I knew he was hurting so bad. His faith is so strong. I knew that he had honestly believed that we would get a different report.
     The last two weeks I have had so many blessings. I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. He makes it known to me that he is holding my hand.  I have been a Christian since I was ten years old. Sometimes, a lot closer to God than others, mainly when I need Him the most! He sent me a precious gift in the form of a friend. She's going through a very similiar situation and she has been a blessing. She seems to always have the words to make me find peace in my heart. I love you, Holly.
     The support I have had from my sisters, friends and family has been wonderful. I have felt such an outpouring of love that it makes me smile.  I have felt the prayers and been lifted up by each and everyone of them. So thanks to each of you and just keep us in your thoughts as I continue to "Carry Faith".
Love, Tonya